New Skin

I would like to put my order in for my new skin. Mine has never been my friend. I started with acne when I was in the 4th grade. I don't mean your run of the mill every kid gets acne sort of acne. I mean the need to go to a dermatologist in order to be seen in public sort of acne. It only got worse throughout my teenage years and I'm thankful that my parents were willing to spend a small fortune to get my skin as good as it could be since I needed Accutane not just once but three times. I was in fact the first female patient that my Dr. ever had to put on it for a third time. Bet every one of you wishes you had that claim to fame.

By the time I was in my early 20's my skin was actually pretty decent without any real problems until I got pregnant at 23. That small window was all the time I had for non-hormonal acne spotted skin. Then at 27 I started in with the skin cancer. Just yesterday I had spots 19, 20 and 21 biopsied off and await the results on Monday to see if I will need skin cancer surgery 6 and 7. Or perhaps I will be able to use the chemotherapy cream again to eat off my skin that I got to use a year and a half ago. That would be a real treat.

So as you can see, I would like to put my order in for my new skin, please. I'm ready now. I'm feeling a bit impatient as I await my new skin someday.

It was a very tear-filled time in the bathroom today as I looked at the gaping holes left by his scalpel yet again. It was very hard for me to have Annalise help me treat the spot I couldn't reach with the cream and bandage. When I asked her for help she told me "I'm not a real genius at this sort of stuff" which brought a smile to my tears.

I don't really know why it was emotional for me to have her help me with my "broken" skin. She understands that we are broken people and that I'm not perfect so my skin isn't either, but it was still hard for me to have her help me with it. I guess the word to describe it would be humbling. I cried the whole time. I know it's OK for Annalise to see that I'm a real person with real feelings. In fact it is probably a good thing for her to see that everybody hurts but I just felt weak instead of strong and I don't like her to see me that way, I guess.

I know it's a lot of fuss about little scars in various places on my body and I know that it could be so much worse. I know that there are accident victims and burn victims and kids that have to help their mothers get through radiation treatments, so my skin issues are really very small. I get that, really I do and I'm so thankful that so far, this is all I have. But for the moment, the tears fell as I stood in my bathroom and Annalise was reminded that her mom sometimes feels sad, even if for crazy reasons.

It makes me smile to think about having perfect skin someday. Again, I know there are much bigger things to look forward to in eternity but finally getting rid of this Achilles' heel will really be a hoot. Of course by then I'll probably be a droopy, wrinkly old prune so these scars will be the least of my concerns at that time.

I was reminded as I came out of the bathroom and Emily smiled and squirmed and squealed with delight at the sight of me that she loves me anyway..scars, holes, band aids and all. To her I am beautiful. I was also reminded that I also don't need a mirror to tell me I'm beautiful (good thing)but that I'm beautiful by what's inside. I'm beautiful to the people that love me (although sadly not all the time) and that the most important thing is that I'm beautiful to the One who made me, even with the skin I'm in.

So, please excuse me for my tears over my skin sometimes. But to those who may outlive me, smile on the day I die knowing that I'll be hootin' and hollering over my new perfect and beautiful... even in the mirror skin!