Doors

Sorry for the lack of blogging lately but I'm still waiting to catch my breath. I "decluttered" at least 50 boxes worth of stuff and "staged" my house for the pictures the realtor wanted to take today. My house doesn't really feel like my house anymore and we had our first showing tonight which makes it feel even less like my house. It has become very real that someone else is thinking about living here. I live here. This is very hard and strange.

All was going well until the realtor called and told us that the house we put a contingent offer on has received a non contingent offer today. This makes me feel sad. Remember the doors I said had been opening? Well they are now closing and it stinks. I thought we were following His leading but I guess not. I'm not quite sure whose leading we were following then and it all feels so overwhelming and confusing. I liked feeling like I knew where we were supposed to be going. All this uncertainty for me the "always have a plan girl" is killing me already and it's only been a few hours. Hopefully it gets better.

I am going to go and try to get some sleep and hopefully a fresh perspective...read cry for awhile. Thought I'd include a picture of the beautiful sight I had just a few hours ago. Emily had just woken up from a little snooze. I could just eat her up!

Changes

Well, we have done it. We have listed our house with a realtor to sell. It is scary and stressful and exciting all at the same time. We have also found a house that we would love to buy and are hoping that our house sells and that we can still get that one.

We weren't at all planning on doing it this way but God has opened some doors and made it pretty apparent that this is the path we should be going down. Don't get me wrong, He still needs to open some more pretty serious doors for this to all happen, but we have 2 kids that shouldn't even be here to prove that He can totally open any doors He feels like.

We've starting packing up some unneeded stuff and that has been a really weird feeling. Our realtor says that we need to "declutter" to make it more appealing for a buyer. Not that our house is really all that bad, but with 6 people living here, there is lots of stuff crammed in. Our Realtor also had a good point of saying that we'd have to pack it all up anyway when we move, we might as well get started now. As gut wrenching as that statement sounds to me, he's right. It's so weird to think all our stuff someplace else. My kids sleeping in different rooms, playing in a different yard, driving someplace different when I'm going "home".

As some tears have started to fall about all this the realtor also said something that caused me to not sleep much. He said that I needed to stop thinking about selling my home and needed to start thinking about selling my house. It's just a house. What makes it a home is the people that live there. I took it a step further in my own mind and added, and the love that fills it.

I finally came to terms with these thoughts during the night. My family could live in our current house, the house we'd like to buy or any other house for that matter. It doesn't change who we are, we will always be a family. Then add to that the idea that this is not really our home anyway and our life here is but a blink of an eye and I started to feel better.

For now, we know that we're right where He wants us to be and know that if our house sells and if we can get the other house, that's where we're supposed to be. If our house sells and we don't get that house, He'll lead us where we're supposed to be. If our house doesn't sell then maybe we're supposed to still stay here. We've both said that we feel like we've been obedient in walking through the doors that have been opened but because that is so different from where we thought we'd be even a week ago, we have no idea where we're going now. The fact that we're even to this point is only by His leading and we have no idea what could possibly happen next. We'll just wait and see.

For now we'll continue our decluttering and packing and try to get some more sleep than we've gotten over the past week and continue to pray for our path to be made clear and for guidance in making decisions and the peace that we've continued to feel about the whole thing.

Check out my Slide Show!

Annalise is always last on the right

Expressive

We had Annalise's dance recital rehearsal tonight and I wanted to get some pictures up of that. I was trying to think of what word I could use to describe her dancing and this is the word I came up with, expressive. I know I've talked about her dancing in greater detail before so I won't do it again but I think this word describes her dancing really well.

As I thought about it more I think this word describes her as a whole person really well. You only have to be around her for about 2 minutes to realize that this girl has a lot to say. Apparently I'm not the only one that thinks this. The parent volunteers that were in charge of sitting with her class for the entire 4 hours...yes I said 4 hours, said they were captivated by the way her mind works. They found her very "entertaining".

Yesterday when I went in to pay for gas the man at the counter said to me, "Hello young lady," not an expression I hear much anymore. When I got back in the car I was still giggling about it and Annalise asked what I was laughing about. When I told her she replied by saying "You are kind of young...for an OLD woman." Thanks Annalise.

Then tonight, getting in the house from rehearsal long after 2 of my 4 kids are usually in bed was a bit stressful for me (being alone of course). Trying to get the 2 in bed, helping Annalise wash the can of hairspray out of her hair all while listening to tired, hungry Emily scream about pushed me right over the edge. Annalise is incredibly perceptive of my stressful feeling of being overwhelmed at just these moments. Her response to my stress tonight was, "I'm sorry this night had to be so hard on you. I know it really was a burden but I do really love to dance though, thank you mom." Expressive.

Or what about, "I'm a Christian because how could you not be when you see all that God made?" Or, "Emily is God's special gift just for us." And then there's, "I really wish that life wasn't so difficult sometimes but I know that when it is we are learning more about life." Does it get any more expressive than that from a 7 year old?

I am always exhausted at the end of the day oftentimes because of her expressiveness but I wouldn't trade those little glimpses into her soul for anything in the world. As tiring as her mind and mouth can be I know that God made her the way she is. I can look back over her life and see that she has always been this way, she just has the means to express more now in her later years. She is always mindful of the ways that her words and actions affect others so now she is carrying that over into how many things have that same cause and effect relationship. She is always concerned for the pain of others whether physical or emotional and really would take their pain upon her most times. She always wants to comfort the hurting whether a person, animal or character in a story (or sometimes a stressed out, worn out mother).

Her expressiveness isn't always in words believe it or not. Sometimes it's just a hug, or a touch or even just a smile. She carries so much of her emotion in her eyes, so they often speak for her. She is such a special girl and I am amazed that God gave her to me to raise. Somehow He thought that I was the best mother for her. I often wonder why since I feel sometimes that I can't keep up with her thoughts and feel so inadequate at giving her what she needs and not burdening her with too much since she is so sensitive. Nights like tonight I often feel guilty for showing any signs of stress at all because she takes the stress on herself by saying things like she did tonight.

I'm so thankful that I'm her mom and I'm so thankful for her expressiveness that can be so exhausting. It's what makes her Annalise. It's what makes her so special and so easy to fall in love with.

Enjoy the slide show below, she is always the one on the end on the right.

Crazy

Life has been a little crazy around here and this week will be even more crazy with two more dance rehearsals and continuing with soccer and tennis in addition with going back to school from our Spring Break this past week. We have all really enjoyed the time off.


We have also started to entertain the idea that we may be outgrowing our house with our growing family and have started to see what else might be out there. We thought we better see if there is anything that could work better for us yet still be in our price range. And yes, we decided we are staying in Michigan. It feels great after months of debating this issue to finally have it decided. I guess that's one way we know we've made the right choice...just that incredible sense of peace that I think He gives us when we listen and obey.


I have discovered that although house shopping (if you can even call it that) has it's fun moments it can be very stressful. The kids get all crazy at the thought of leaving the only home they've ever known and the amount of anxiety that thinking about putting our house on the market causes can be quite a lot if I think about too much of it at once.



But, we're not in a hurry and nothing is decided yet but it has been keeping us very busy with all our free time...you know during the 96 hours a week that Jim isn't working or interning and I'm not a single parent. Yes that's 96 hours a week literally just in case you're wondering...plus 1/2 hour drive time every day...I think we've lost our minds. But you know me...never afraid of a challenge. So although we realize the housing market here pretty much sucks and we wouldn't be getting near what we could for our house, we're hoping to find a heck of a deal on the purchasing end also that could offer us a bit more breathing room.



On the other hand, I love my house. The thought of leaving it behind makes me sad. There are many things about it I absolutely love.



But I'll keep you posted on what we decide after we've had some more time to shop, dream, think, talk and pray some more. For now, we'll just try to stay afloat with this whole internship thing. Only one more month to go! Oh, and yes, I'm getting ready for skin cancer surgeries 6 and 7 just in case you're wondering how that all turned out. I'll just tell you all up front...next time you see me, don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Or not... but I'm alive and I have the best doctor in Michigan cutting me up and putting me back together again and truly that is what I'm staying focused on.

Tennis Ace

Annalise is trying her hand at tennis. She was super excited to try something new. She loves dancing but it is important to me that my kids are exposed to lots of different things so that they can really make an educated choice on what sport or activity they'd like to settle in on. Or then again maybe they will like to do something different every year.

Anyhow, back to the tennis. She has a goofy teacher that helps the kids have lots of fun. At first she seemed like a natural, but then when she started thinking too much about it, her performance started going downhill. the good thing is that with such great weather she'll get lots of time to practice before next week so that all the steps will start to make more sense.

This is supposed to be a class for 7-9 year olds and I don't know what the deal is, but some of these girls were huge. I mean huge, bra-wearing puberty type girls. What is that all about? I looked at my little Annalise and a part of me wanted to sweep her back home so she could do things like watch Blue's Clues (which she still enjoys) and play tea party instead of looking at these "little women" that are supposedly her peers.

I know I need to start getting ready for my baby to begin to look more like me than her little sisters, but I hope I have a little more than 2 years before we can share clothes! Yikes!

Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Or a toilet and a trash can. How Emily can weasel herself into some of these places is beyond me. I don't know if I'm just not remembering right but I swear my other kids were not getting into so much trouble at such a young age. she is constantly rolling into, onto or over things and hurting herself. She is always getting herself somewhere that she can't get herself out of and she is constantly finding "treasures" of every kind form who knows where. I have no idea where she finds half of the stuff I find grasped tightly in her little mitts!

Perhaps Daddy was onto something when he stuck her in the empty laundry basket. Not only did she stay put for awhile, until she dumped herself over in it, but she also had fun chewing on the socks. And yes, they're clean!

I guess I don't like being stuck between a rock and a hard place either which is the way I've been feeling over the past few weeks. I was just saying last night when talking to a friend that I wish I would have appreciated being a kid more when I was one. The naivete of all the decisions that parents and adults for that matter, have to make all the time would be so glorious right now. Yet another time I find myself saying that I wish sometimes that I could live my life in reverse!

Although that's not possible I do wish that it was easier to discern the right path sometimes. But I do find that if you look hard enough and sometimes long enough, you can often find the right way.

Mr. Popularity

Rewind with me a moment...to exactly one year ago.
"He took my ball," sob, sob, sob.
"He pushed me," sob sob sob.
"Ooooowwwwww," tears, tears and more tears.
This is what happened last year during the first night of soccer, with Annalise.

Last night it was Levi's turn. What a difference with a boy playing soccer. If someone was in his way, he pushed them out of his way. If someone took his ball, he went and took someone elses's...this is what they were supposed to do. Instead of tears and sobbing there was only laughing and hooting.

If Levi was in school I know who he would be...the class clown and the ringleader, just like his Daddy. Can I just put the whole "kids who are homeschooled don't get socialized" thing to rest right now? Levi walks right up to the group of kids and starts goofing around with them all. Normally I would not be proud of my kids goofing around when they are supposed to be paying attention, but it really was great to see him having fun with all the other boys. They were shoving each other, tackling each other and just being, well, boys. He would tap the boy ahead of him on the shoulder and then duck out of the way so that he looked innocent, this is where the class clown enters in. They did take their turns shooting the ball when it was their turn too!

His partners in crime all circled around him waiting to see what they would be doing next. The coaches actually knew who Levi was too. Not from all his fooling around, but because he listened when he was supposed to....a difficult task for a large group of 5 year olds, and he made every shot he took in the goal. Every time it got to be his turn I heard the coach say "Hey, I know you, kick it in there!"

He could score, he could dribble and he can run really fast so he could reach the ball before anyone else quite often. He definitely was not one of the bigger boys on the team but he definitely didn't go unnoticed and being small certainly didn't hold him back any. I think we may have found his niche. It will be interesting to see him in action during the little games they have in a few weeks.

Except for the freezing gale force winds it was a great time to watch him. For anyone that would like to watch him firsthand, he'll be playing on Monday nights for the next 5 weeks! Otherwise, enjoy the pictures!

Glutton for Punishment

You know how you do those things as a parent that you know ahead of time is just a bad idea? Something that you know is just a crazy idea and that you put off doing forever? One of those things that you just dread but you do it anyway because you know it would mean the world to your kids? That was me last night. I finally let the kids have:

A sleepover in the basement. Not with any other kids, just themselves...trust me, those 3 together are enough!

They were SO excited once I told them the news! I had been hoping to have them do this on a night that I wouldn't be home alone with them all night so that Jim could actually help with all the shenanigans. But then I realized that the kids shouldn't have to wait for eternity to have their sleepover and that I just needed to bite the bullet. I figured that since I'm up every couple of hours with Emily every night and often with at least one of the other kids for some reason or another, what's this big deal really? Yes, that's right...if you caught that I said that I'm still up with Emily every couple of hours.


Side note: Emily loves her mommy and she loves breastfeeding. I happen to love Emily and love breastfeeding too so it's a good match. I think by the time you get to your 4th kid all the parenting books go out the window and you just have to go with whatever works. With a house full of sleeping people including myself ,I just don't see the point in waking everyone up every night for a few weeks to let Emily "cry it out"to force her to sleep through the night which I realize she should be fully capable of. with every other kid I followed all the rules and forced them to sleep through the night(mostly) around 6 months, but you know, by number 4 all those "rules" just have to give way to practicality. I battle all the other kids with who knows what all day the last thing I feel like doing during the night is battling more. I have no worries that I'm ruining her or spoiling her and this way I get to meet my daily quota of chubby cheek kisses. Ten peaceful minutes every couple of hours and we both usually fall asleep during the feeding anyway and everyone is happy.


Anyway, back to the sleepover. It was complete with a movie and popcorn although they didn't have those yummy malteds that my parents used to make for me when I had a sleepover (next time I'll be more prepared).

All in all it went really well. I was very proud of myself for having as much patience as I did and I knew the kids would need some time for goofing off and that they wouldn't get to sleep at their usual times and that would be OK. That's a pretty big step for this rule following gal! As the noise got louder, I just turned up my TV show louder. I knew ahead of time that I would need to have something to dornw out the noise and I discovered "The Facts of Life" reruns on my Netflix on demand to watch so I was one happy eighties girl! So, I watched and scrap booked while the kids partied. The noise was actually really great to hear since it was all giggling anyway...there's something about the sounds of my kids' laughter that makes things all worth it!


They were all asleep by 9:45...pretty good I thought. When I went down to check on them before I went to sleep was amazing to see them all lined up, sleeping together. I again had that familiar lump form in my throat as I looked at them all together. It was one of my Kodak moments. I have these times where I actually take a long, lingering look and tell myself that I will remember this moment for the rest of my life. As I looked at all the entangled arms and legs I thought "What a responsibility and what a gift", all at the same time. That;s just the best feeling to me.

Part of the Gang

It's amazing to watch how Emily grows and changes everyday. She is so not a baby anymore and she has become a playmate for the other kids now, especially Becca. Yesterday Becca had fun playing Dr. with her. Emily was such a sport and just put up with being poked and prodded. They were so cute to watch. I think watching my kids interact is what I love the most. I'm not sure if it's normal to cry as I watch these moments but it's usually what I find myself doing. I guess it's so moving to see that not only are my kids a gift to their parents, but to each other as well. Perhaps because it was so long before I had a sibling to share that with that is why it is such an emotional experience for me.

Emily is so close to crawling it's crazy. She sits on her knees with her arms in the ready position and I just sit and wait for her to actually move forward but instead she just drops to her tummy and rolls to her destination instead. One of these times though she will figure out how fast she can get there if she would just stay on her knees. She also like to scooch on her butt "Becca style" but I don't think this will be her main mode of transportation as it was for Becca.

Today it's crawling, tomorrow it will be driving a car. It all goes so fast

Filled Up

I have had an incredibly exhausting day...make that incredibly exhausting weeks with Jim's new schedule and the fact that he is NEVER home and actually awake. Not that he hasn't of course had his own exhaustion, but I think there's something to be said for never being able to leave your job when you're a mother. I think it's a different sort of exhausted. I try to explain it to Jim saying that it's as though you stay at work and the only time you get to leave is for about 4 hours a week (this is when I'm thankful to be able to go to the gym). I find myself staying up later and later every night just so that I can have some time to myself. Sleep is nice but I don't get much of a chance to think a thought through from start to finish when I'm sleeping. I find this quiet time that I seem to lack since I'm on duty all the time, to be what I miss most.

In light of this, I usually read for about 1/2 hour every night before I go to sleep after all the kids are finally asleep...this is 10 pm most nights. Anyway, tonight I found myself too exhausted to even open a book and decided to watch a movie instead. I can't even remember the last time I watched a t.v. show much less a movie...it's been literally months since I watched a show, I just don't have the time anymore.

Anyway, this was the best thing I could have done...I feel completely filled up and rested. My taste in movies has completely changed over the past months and I watched a good, wholesome movie and I feel like I've just had a vacation I feel that good. Nothing violent or freaky or with bad language, just a good Hallmark entertainment film.

Isn't it amazing how sometimes God knows just what we need. I so totally did NOT feel like watching a movie tonight and I kept feeling the nudge to just watch it. Reluctantly I put it in. I was more content to bury my head under my pillow and wish the crazy day would just end but I listened instead. I am so glad I did. I love it when the simplest things are so enjoyable. Don't get me wrong ,I wish I had the resources to refill my tanks with a date with my husband, a dinner out or maybe even a massage (I think) but those things just aren't possible for me. A movie is what I had and it did the trick.

Amazing how I feel this way even though today was one of those days that I felt like I deserved to be rescued. I deserved so much more but once again what I thought and what He knew I needed were so different. After all, He never promises to rescue us; just to give us what we need right when we need it. A good reminder for me today.

I'm off to go to bed with a contented smile rather than tears of self-pity!

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Recipe

Recipe for fun:

1 fisher price tape recorder with microphone
several recordable tapes with mixes from the eighties once recorded on them
2 girls that LOVE to sing and the sound of their own voices
1 boy that thinks the girls are completely nuts and is too embarrassed by the sound of his own voice

Mix all together for hours of fun and entertainment. Also if saved, some pretty good ammo for future use as I'm sure these girls will not think these tapes will be so fun or cute when they hit about 14. I'm sure at that age these girls will go to great lengths to keep these tapes out of the hearing distance of just about everyone!

It really made for a fun day. We used to do this as kids but I didn't really think my kids would be that into it. I guess I thought this was just another one of those areas that I was really weird in. I should have known better with Rebecca's future on Broadway that she would love this idea. It also worked out really great because it gave me a break from having to listen to Annalise for awhile. I don't mean this in a bad way, only that for those of you who have spent even 10 minutes with her, you know that she is always talking!

Levi was really shy and reluctantly took a turn singing a quick song. Maybe he just thought the idea was totally nuts!

Gaps

Do you ever see an accident waiting to happen and then in the next instant witness that very accident? As it's happening it seems to happen in slow motion. In fact, the whole event from picturing the accident happening to it actually happening seems to take forever. You try to get there but you feel like your legs are just wheeling in circles like in the cartoons. You know when their legs make those big dust clouds they are actually moving so fast but going nowhere.

This happened today with Emily...again. Accidents seem to follow her around. Not just any accidents either, things that really could have caused serious problems. Like the time she tumbled off the counter in her bouncy seat onto the wood floor below. Complete with and ER visit I felt like the most incompetent mother on the planet. Luckily again today she was completely unscathed from the injuries that Annalise could have caused her. Annalise was terrified at the harm she could have caused and Emily had a pretty good scare, but all water under the bridge now.

Today was another example of why I often include in my prayers for God, the Perfect Parent to fill in my gaps. At the end of every day I can look back and see all the things that I wish I would have done differently. Sometimes it's the things I say or the way I say them at a stressful time but there are always those things. Sometimes it's simply something I missed. It's amazing the gaps I can find in retrospect.

Wouldn't it be cool if we could live our lives in reverse, using all the knowledge we gain from looking at things in retrospect? Wouldn't we all make such different decisions everyday if we had all of the information ahead of time? If I somehow knew that Emily could muster enough strength to actually launch herself off the counter how much easier would it have been to just keep her on the floor or not in the bouncy seat at all that day.

But I guess if I had all the information ahead of time I wouldn't be dependant on God to fill in my gaps. I wouldn't have any gaps, I would simply fill them all before they could appear. The problem with that would be that I wouldn't be growing. I wouldn't be striving to be more like Him so easily. It''s through my gaps that I am humbled and realize that I am weak. If things were easy and always went smoothly it would be harder to need a Savior. The more gaps I have the more places I actually have for Him to fill me.

In this way, I think that gaps are actually little gifts from Him that actually make it easier for me to learn to be dependant on Him. It's sometimes hard to think of my shortcomings in this way but I find it helps a lot. My gaps keep my focus where it should be and I can trust that He can fill up the rest. I'm thankful that He knows everything, like when Emily is going to need some extra protection and that His legs get him there in time, unlike mine!

I guess that tonight during my prayer time I'll not only have to pray for Him to fill my gaps but thank Him for them and the constant opportunity for humility through them.

A Whole New World

You may think that I haven't blogged in a few days is due to the fact that I was outside enjoying the great weather. If you were so inclined to think this you would just be wrong. I would have loved to be outside enjoying the great weather but I was inside instead...working.

Since this is our spring break I had so many projects that needed to get done that the Martha in me just couldn't let these things slide...see a previous blog entry for complete Martha details. My kids also had not one short sleeved shirt that wasn't in storage for the winter so I had to get my rear in gear and get going on the clothes situation. The clothes situation...a HUGE ordeal with 4 small kids that grow so much from one season to the next. All the clothes needed to be hauled out and gone through, tried on and put away. The anal side of just couldn't put these "new" clothes away into dirty, unorganized closets, oh no. All the closets then needed to be cleaned; all the shelves wiped down, interior walls wiped down and the clothes arranged just so. I'm happy to report that the closets still look great, even after a whole day.

Today we tackled the garage and I started washing some walls, I only have a week to get it all done you know. I've managed to not feel guilty at all though since the weather was so nice the kids wanted to be outside all day anyway...much more fun than hanging out with me!

I did manage to sneak outside to change the flowers on my front wreath. I decided Christmas was a bit tacky to still be displaying. I took Emily with me and she loved it. I think she thought the kids had vanished into thin air since it had been 2 whole days and she hadn't seen them at all since they literally came in only to go to the bathroom. She also loved just sitting outside on her blanke, exploring the whole new world. She has always loved going for walks and stuff but you never know what they'll really think to just sit outside. True to form she just went along with the game plan. I did however have quite the challenge trying to feed her some cereal today though. All she did was laugh, literally. I couldn't get her to stop laughing long enough to close her mouth and swallow...only Emily.

I have a prediction I'd like to make about Rebecca. I've decided that I think she's going to be a Broadway singer. We were driving in the car various times this weekend and that girl can belt out to refrains of Little Orphan Annie's "Tomorrow" like no body's business. She doesn't just sing, she bellows with all her might. Broadway would be perfect, she's a bit off-key sometimes but she is quite talented...I have no idea where she gets this since singing has never been one of my gifts. Her dad used to sing in the choir though...

Levi has had a lot of fun playing his new baseball thing that he got for Christmas. It pitches the balls to him at a pretty good clip. He definitely needs some practice. I tried to get him to let me take his picture but he refused claiming he didn't want his picture taken until he gets better at it...perfectionistic...who knew? I did manage to snap a picture of him helping with Emily's bath though.

Annalise has still been busy with Kit when she hasn't been outside.

That's a quick update of life around here, busy as usual. I feel like I'm hanging on to the back of a freight train traveling at a frightening speed!

New Skin

I would like to put my order in for my new skin. Mine has never been my friend. I started with acne when I was in the 4th grade. I don't mean your run of the mill every kid gets acne sort of acne. I mean the need to go to a dermatologist in order to be seen in public sort of acne. It only got worse throughout my teenage years and I'm thankful that my parents were willing to spend a small fortune to get my skin as good as it could be since I needed Accutane not just once but three times. I was in fact the first female patient that my Dr. ever had to put on it for a third time. Bet every one of you wishes you had that claim to fame.

By the time I was in my early 20's my skin was actually pretty decent without any real problems until I got pregnant at 23. That small window was all the time I had for non-hormonal acne spotted skin. Then at 27 I started in with the skin cancer. Just yesterday I had spots 19, 20 and 21 biopsied off and await the results on Monday to see if I will need skin cancer surgery 6 and 7. Or perhaps I will be able to use the chemotherapy cream again to eat off my skin that I got to use a year and a half ago. That would be a real treat.

So as you can see, I would like to put my order in for my new skin, please. I'm ready now. I'm feeling a bit impatient as I await my new skin someday.

It was a very tear-filled time in the bathroom today as I looked at the gaping holes left by his scalpel yet again. It was very hard for me to have Annalise help me treat the spot I couldn't reach with the cream and bandage. When I asked her for help she told me "I'm not a real genius at this sort of stuff" which brought a smile to my tears.

I don't really know why it was emotional for me to have her help me with my "broken" skin. She understands that we are broken people and that I'm not perfect so my skin isn't either, but it was still hard for me to have her help me with it. I guess the word to describe it would be humbling. I cried the whole time. I know it's OK for Annalise to see that I'm a real person with real feelings. In fact it is probably a good thing for her to see that everybody hurts but I just felt weak instead of strong and I don't like her to see me that way, I guess.

I know it's a lot of fuss about little scars in various places on my body and I know that it could be so much worse. I know that there are accident victims and burn victims and kids that have to help their mothers get through radiation treatments, so my skin issues are really very small. I get that, really I do and I'm so thankful that so far, this is all I have. But for the moment, the tears fell as I stood in my bathroom and Annalise was reminded that her mom sometimes feels sad, even if for crazy reasons.

It makes me smile to think about having perfect skin someday. Again, I know there are much bigger things to look forward to in eternity but finally getting rid of this Achilles' heel will really be a hoot. Of course by then I'll probably be a droopy, wrinkly old prune so these scars will be the least of my concerns at that time.

I was reminded as I came out of the bathroom and Emily smiled and squirmed and squealed with delight at the sight of me that she loves me anyway..scars, holes, band aids and all. To her I am beautiful. I was also reminded that I also don't need a mirror to tell me I'm beautiful (good thing)but that I'm beautiful by what's inside. I'm beautiful to the people that love me (although sadly not all the time) and that the most important thing is that I'm beautiful to the One who made me, even with the skin I'm in.

So, please excuse me for my tears over my skin sometimes. But to those who may outlive me, smile on the day I die knowing that I'll be hootin' and hollering over my new perfect and beautiful... even in the mirror skin!

Our Newset Addition

We would like to introduce you to the newest member of our
family, Kit. she is the American Girl Doll that Annalise has
lusted after for months and that her grandparents bought her and gave to her at her birthday party that we finally had this weekend. She has read almost the whole series of books and really settled in on Kit being her favorite. They hve many similarities in their personalaities and if Kit were a real girl I could see them being best friends becuase they are so much alike. Kit has become like another appendage of Annalise's and I find myself in some ways really felling like I have another kid she is around that much. We simlply speak to her like she is another kid...she is included in group greetings (good morning Annalise, good morning Levi, good morning Kit etc). Kit also has had many adventures since she's come to live with us as you'll see.

I also had to include a picture of Annalise's new do. I whacked off about 3 inches of her hair on Sunday. One of the blessings of being a hairdresser is that when you've decided you've had enough of snarly, tear-filled mornings day after day you can just remedy the situation immediately! I also got so tired of it looking bad. Half curly, half nappy and always having to pull it back somehow to just get rid of it. What's the point of having longer hair if it always looks bad? She also has a habit of taking those clumps of hair and twirling them around her finger until there are knots. I've asked her repeatedly to stop and it's just a habit, but one that needs to break. The shorter hair should help this and if it doesn't, shorter it goes! Anyway, out came the scissors and what we are left with is so cute! It curls so much better ans she can actually wear it down without anything in it. She can much more easily take care of it herself and we have no more screaming battles in the morning while trying to comb it. We actually have just been putting some mousse in it and letting it go. It's been great. At first she though it was too short but now she loves it and is asking if we can keep it this way all the time.

Kit is learning Spanish

Kit is learning about art class

Kit has been watching some DVDs

She has even been having some character training with the other kids. She needs to have good manners to survive in this house!

Kit is even required to have some quiet time in the afternoon when the other kids are too.

Notice that our cat is curled up on the bed too. she looks forward to naptime with Annalise every day. She just meows at the door until Annalise lets her in and they spend time together bonding!

All in all Kit certainly has had a very busy week around here and Annalise has a new best friend. It really is neat to see how she talks to her like they really are friends in real life. In some ways I'm sure it's because Annalise really does feel like she knows her after reading most of her books. She is just a doll, but through her stories she is a doll with a personality and life stories all built in. Annalise is already lusting after all the pieces and parts of Kit's world that she would like to get...a girl can dream!